I haven’t been able to write for a bit. Scared of what would come out. Of whether or not that would be OK. But anyway, I’m writing because it helps, and then (soon I think, sooner than I thought) I won’t have to write this bit again.
My house of cards has collapsed in the most spectacular way. For someone who isn’t good at pretending, I’ve been having a bit of a fairy tale going on that was reality to me, but on the other side of it seems make believe. I know I didn’t make it up, but now he has disappeared from my life, I wonder if he was ever here. Or more if I was.
It’s all a bit surreal but in 5 weeks life has shrunk. In people and things. And my house seems far too big to reinvent myself in, and I’m both lonely and craving the smallness all at the same time.
We’ve gone from 10 people to 5. There is no guy, no brown haired girls and no au pair. There is a blonde haired mumma and four blonde haired girls.
We’ve gone from 5 cars to 1. Fortunately a 7 seater just in case.
We’ve gone from 9 bikes to 4. Mine got stolen on the weekend by the universe who thinks I’m needing to learn to let go or something (sorry universe but sometimes I am having a bit of an “eff you” moment. I’ll get gracious soon, but not today. Well not this part of today).
There’s more stuff gone too, but it’s just stuff really. I’ve lost 3kg’s and am back on the skinny side of thin. I have got a red spatula that doesn’t belong to me, I waver between wanting to hide it, break it or hug it. Lunatic!
Time seems to go REALLY slow when you’re going through this, even when you know that time is what will help. Sometimes it’s normal, and then I get all proud of my ability to be normal.
The times time is almost normal:
1. When I’m working with someone and my focus is outside of myself. When I’m presenting on stage. Loving my job is the best medicine
2. When the girls are being cute and funny. Kids are the best medicine.
3. When my biggest girl watches RomCom’s with me or shows me stupid memes on Facebook. Humour and kids are the best medicine.
4. When my friends come over and we hang out and talk about them, and I can get something I’m being a lunatic about out and they laugh and totally get it. Friends and sister-friends are the best medicine.
5. When I’m writing. Cathartic.
6. When I’m singing loudly in the car. Not cool but really fun.
When time does not go fast at all:
1. At night when I wake up and can’t go back to sleep.
2. When the two little girls throw a tantrum or won’t go to bed (usually the same thing). It may only be 10 minutes of my day but it seems like an eternity. I too would like to leave during these times.
3. When I have to do the grocery shopping. When I have to take the kids to the shops. Grocery shopping at 5pm with 3 kids under threat that if they don’t behave we may never eat again.
4. When I talk about it in an effort to understand it. To him and to other people. Stoopid waste of really long, slow ticking time.
5. When I wonder how long it’s going to take for me to be OK.
So if time is the thing that will heal all wounds I’m all for it, but I’m doing more of the normal variety time than the soul destroying other kind. And I’ll write more. I have some really funny ones I want to write but thought it might be a bit soon to be funny? What if I’m just pretending to be OK? Oh that’s right, I don’t do pretending anymore. I’m doing reality! Check!