Well, the blogging went a little quiet. Have been trying to refrain from writing the blog entitled ‘Why did I marry such an arse?’ (it was a much worse word two weeks ago, but I have managed to get it back to ‘arse’ which I think is really a big step forward). It’s not that I started a blog as a way to air all my grievances or issues (isn’t that what status updates on Facebook are for??), but when you can’t think of a topic but one that calls someone who you were married to a nasty swear word or two, I think it’s always best to take yourself off air until you can come back with something a little more couth. Not that I think ‘arse’ is couth, but at least it’s better than ‘fuckwit’.
I wanted to write about faith anyway, and what it feels like to let go and just have faith that things are exactly as they should be in your world. It’s a hard place/space/state to call upon sometimes for me, because there’s a natural tendency to want to have some certainty abut the future, and to map out the events or conversations in my mind. Well it’s not me actually but the almighty EGO-BITCH (sorry for those who don’t like swearing, I think I have lost all couthness – damn that’s not even a word!!) who has the conversations, and she likes to bang on all day in my head about what I should say and what he or she might say in return and what my response to that might be and THEN what might happen. Honestly, it can be exhausting. Once I started this journey towards finding my light, I discovered my darkness (and admitted to having her, because it wouldn’t be very nice for someone like me to have a nasty EGO-BITCH lurking inside her, being critical and ungenerous, and nasty and angry) and just acknowledging her presence, and then being able to laugh about it, and let it go, goes a long way towards quietening her (just quietly it’s hard to be a truly powerful EGO-BITCH when you’ve been caught out and your comments are just ridiculous). EGO-BITCHES revel in the drama of dodgy ex-husbands, the challenges of life as a single mother and every other label you might like to give yourself – and especially in not being perfect but pretending you are. Pretty hard to find faith and love in her version as life as a character out of “Home and Away”.
And yes, the EGO-BITCH wanted to write the blog on “fuckwits’, because that would be a great story, BUT the reason I didn’t write it, was because it’s not MY story. Mine has heaps more FAITH than that.
So the blog on faith turned out to be one on swearing, crap TV and EGO-BITCHES , and that sometimes things are not at all like you thought or hoped they would be, even though in FAITH, you take a leap and know that actually things are exactly as they should be right now. And maybe it’s not as peaceful as you hoped, and life has thrown another test at you just to hear you say (“Well fuck you universe, haven’t I done enough??”) “thank you for the gift to discover more about myself”, and from your darkness your light is even more spectacular.
Get some FAITH, it gives you wings.